The Spiral of Life

Motherfucker I Don’t Care

I just got the new Mushroomhead CD, “Savior Sorrow”… I really, really, really like it.  It’s not as powerful and driven as they were before they switched singer people, but they are still amazing.  The tone quality and harmony is beautiful.  It makes me think there is hope for the future of music and that I’m not going into a dead end job where I would be stuck producing emo/screamo bands… That would be the death of me.  I like how the name Savior Sorrow sounds like Save Your Sorrow.  The CD is amazing and is a mandatory investment.

All Hope Is Gone by Slipknot is an amazing song… I heard it yesterday and I really hope that the rest of their new CD sounds like that.  It’s like their old stuff, only not so raw.  It’s beautiful in a metal sort of way.  I can’t wait to see them in August; they are my number one favorite band even after Sub. Vs. 3.  They just have something that no one can take and remake.  If one person in that band left it wouldn’t be the same, the sound would be too different.  They are my idols… yes I will admit I even admire Clown, which is my least favorite member (mainly for the whole Clown thing).  If their style of music could be reproduced I’m sure there would be millions of bands trying to be Slipknot, but they have such a unique style that can’t be pulled off by any other band than them.  People argue that point with me all the time, but I guarantee no one can do it like Slipknot… Any band that wants to try or that has, fails.  I know they sound like an obsession to me, but they were my go to band, my gateway to metal band, my venting band, my serenity, the only thing I had in life to depend on fully.  I knew they wouldn’t let me down, even if the rest of the world did.  The first time I listened to a mixed CD of the Iowa and Slipknot albums I was hooked for life.

It’s crazy to think that it’s so easy to relate to bands and their songs and feel like they know you better than even your closest friends even though they’ve never met you and they probably never will.  Music has always been my best friend, through the good and the bad, even when my real friends weren’t there for me, music was and it was the only thing at times that could truly reach me, even in the darkest moments in my life when nothing and no one else could.  I want other people to feel that way too; I want to keep the real, pure music alive, the music that has depth to it that can be related to, instead of the shit that is taking over about smacking bitches and banging hos.  I want other people to think of music as their best friend too and be able to fall back on it and surrender to it in their weakest moments when nothing else can save them or even reach them.  In my opinion if their was a god, it would be music. 

I spent the last couple days with my wonderful boyfriend… It was amazing, it just went by really fast :( and even though he just left about an hour ago, I miss him like crazy.  It’s getting to the point where I can’t sleep well unless I fall asleep next to him, or am in the same house as he is.  It’s amazing how we can spend all day in bed with each other and not get bored or anything, even if we aren’t having sex the whole time.  I’m sure if we didn’t have jobs or anything else to attend to, we would never see the light of day, and we wouldn’t give a fuck either… I wouldn’t be surprised if we never left our bedroom either.  Anyway I love him so much and even though it’s going to be hard sleeping with him cuz he snores n I tend to kick him a lot when he does I still cant wait to live with him. 

Closure… Well I guess that’s all for now I’m going to go do some chores n shit n then watch a movie.  By the way I saw Chuck n Larry this weekend too fuckin funny! 

-{JoJo}-

You’re so beautiful

Hun I love you so much and I know how you feel, if you ever got upset with me I would probably curl into a ball and cry until I couldnt any more because I love you so much and I would never want to upset you.  I’m sure I do, you just dont show it.  Except when you told me that you almost started crying when I told you to stop kissing me.  I felt so bad for saying that, I didnt of course want you to stop, I was just being stupid.  I wish I never upset you and never showed any signs of anger or anything because I never want to put you through that, you mean the world to me, but I cant help but be a drama queen sometimes and a spazzstick and I’m sorry if it upsets you, but it’s a part of who I am, just try to remember that if I say something mean, I dont mean it, I’m just moody or cranky or something.  I’m sorry you fell for someone whos such a moodly skitzo, but you’re stuck with me hun and no matter what I love you more than anything n everything and if I could prevent myself from hurting you I would in a heartbeat.  I dont know what I would do without you hun, you’re the only person that makes me feel complete.

I wish I may, I wish I might

I LOVE YOU!!!!!

The Way I Am

I’ve finally come to terms with why I hate myself so much sometime… I have all these stupid little quirks like when I’m trying to go to sleep and I think of something that’s really stupid that I need to remember to do, I have to write it down or I will not sleep until I do.  Then normally by the time I get around to finally giving in and writing whatever it is down, I turn of my light to go to sleep again and I think of something else that’s just as stupid.  It’s a miracle that I even get any sleep.

Another thing is that I have a tendency to say shit before I think it through, which has got me into large amounts of trouble in the past.  I normally do it when I’m pissed off and I lash out at people that don’t deserve it or that didn’t even do anything wrong and I take one little tiny thing that might bother me a little about them and I blow up on them for a whole fuckin hour about that one little thing that normally wouldn’t even bother me if I wasn’t in such a shitty mood.  Then I calm down and realize how much of a bitch I am and blah blah blah and then I feel mega bad and have to apologize for words that shouldn’t have even been said.

I don’t treat my friends as good as I should, and I can’t force myself to be open to any of them.  It takes me years to become open with someone that I consider my friend.  Except for if I’ve never met the person and I know some stuff about them, but I most likely will never meet them.  It just sucks knowing that I can tell a complete stranger stuff about me that I couldn’t even tell my closest friends.

Along with those n some other major flaws I come equip with… I also have little ones like I cant drink Mountain Dew without ice I would rather sit there for hours looking at the can and thinking “damn I really want to drink that, it’s too bad I don’t have ice” and then if I really really really want it and we don’t have any ice I have to go to the nearest gas station and buy ice just so I can drink that one damn can of Mountain Dew, I cant play Resident Evil 2 without my friends being near me, I suck at taking no for an answer, I have a horrible phone phobia and tend to debate about calling someone for an hour before I actually decide to, I tend to get stuck on something if it’s what I want I have to get it and I normally become obsessed and spend large amounts of time plotting, planning, thinking, and taking action just to get what I want and half the time once I get it, I don’t want it any more. 

I think whenever I get mad at someone else I’m really just taking the anger I feel for myself out on them…. poor people.

Another random thing that I must get out in the open… If I could I would eat chicken noodle soup with crackers every day and drink V8 splash.  I would live on a deserted island where it’s warm all year round, but still expect to have full phone service, a teleporting device, my boyfriend, internet access, cable TV, and an underground medieval mansion.  Oh and of course two cats and absolutely NO children and be able to have sex every freakin hour if I wanted without worrying about getting prego or having to pee.

Closure… Yep so I think I’ve spent enough time jabbering I have chores to do now before I have to scamper off to work… I wonder if five years from now I’ll look back on this and either think that I’ve changed so much or if I’ll still feel the same way.

-{JoJo}-

Help Somebody

I honestly don’t plan to ever have kids in my lifetime… They just aren’t for me really.  I take care of them sometimes n they are cute n all, but after the first few hours it gets to the point where if there was a god I would being praying for their parents to come home.  I can’t imagine what it would be like to raise children for 18+ years if I can’t even stand them for more than 10 hours. 

A friend of mine told me the last time I was scared that I was pregnant the baby gains it’s self-esteem during the months it’s in the mother by her mood and her feelings towards the baby.  I remember thinking… Shit my child is going to have the worst fuckin self-esteem ever and be suicidal before it even knows how to walk.  When I was working today I was giggling to myself because I thought, we’ll if I did have a child I should name it “you” or “me” or “I”.  So when someone says: “Hey You” everyone around goes what, or if they say “Hey Me/I” they just kind of sounds stupid. 

I want to write a book eventually…  Hopefully sometime before I die, it doesn’t have to be published (It kind of would be nice though), it’s more or less just something I want to accomplish in my life.  I wrote a few short stories, but they were mainly for English classes and were rushed.  I have a hard time thinking of a interesting plot line, most of them end up being really stupid like a man-eating-gorilla monster on a train that eats all the passengers one by one and poops out their clothes n blah blah blah… or a Jigger ghost haunting an old house.  The rest of the shit I’ve come up with I couldn’t think of a long enough plot line to write a book.  I don’t know how Stephen King does it, but he’s my idol.  I’ve only read one book by him that I don’t like. 

I guess I’m moving on July 27th…  It’s kind of a random date, but since I start college at IPR the 28th and I can’t get into the apartment that Ben and I are now leasing until Aug. 1st, I really don’t have much of an option.  I’m really going to miss it here, I’m going to miss all of my friends, I’m really worried that they will just kind of forget about me or we’ll grow apart because of the distance.  It’s scary to think about losing any of them, but it’s hard to keep in touch with that many people, I can’t even do it now and I haven’t even moved yet!  I’m going to miss my job and all the people that I waited on and worked with, and of course my wonderful parents.  I’m sure for the first few months I’ll probably call my mom nearly every day.  It’s kind of scary thinking that my childhood is over, all the not having to worry about bills/rent/food/work/etc.  I think it’s going to be really hard to get use to, I’m excited, but it makes me really nervous. 

At least I have Ben there; I don’t know what I would do without him… I would probably be sitting in an insane asylum trying to climb the padded walls in a straight jacket.  I wish I could tell him or at least show him somehow, how much he means to me.  It’s insane to think that anyone could love me, let alone be around me all the time and stick with me through my ”spazz-attacks”, my sex addiction, my stupid annoying moments, and everything in between.  He’s bent over backwards for me and I really wish I could repay him somehow for all the things he’s done for me, and for just loving me. 

It’s crazy to think that you know what love is, and actually have no clue until you finally find someone that you do end up loving.  Hell I thought I loved every single last one of my boyfriends, but when I started dating Ben it hit me like a head-on collision (not in a bad way of course) it was extremely overwhelming, and it still is.  It’s crazy to think that I could love someone so much that I wouldn’t think twice about putting that person’s life before my own.  I would honestly do that for Ben though, if something went wrong and he needed an organ transplant from someone else’s body to help him live, I would agree to give him mine in a heartbeat even if there was only a small chance that it would work for him and even if there was a extremely high chance that I would die because of it.  He means so much to me… If only he knew.

Closure… I guess I’m done being a ventaholic today… Maybe I’ll come up with something stupid or out-there to post tomorrow.  Until then I think nap time is in order.

-{JoJo}-