Help Somebody
I honestly don’t plan to ever have kids in my lifetime… They just aren’t for me really. I take care of them sometimes n they are cute n all, but after the first few hours it gets to the point where if there was a god I would being praying for their parents to come home. I can’t imagine what it would be like to raise children for 18+ years if I can’t even stand them for more than 10 hours.
A friend of mine told me the last time I was scared that I was pregnant the baby gains it’s self-esteem during the months it’s in the mother by her mood and her feelings towards the baby. I remember thinking… Shit my child is going to have the worst fuckin self-esteem ever and be suicidal before it even knows how to walk. When I was working today I was giggling to myself because I thought, we’ll if I did have a child I should name it “you” or “me” or “I”. So when someone says: “Hey You” everyone around goes what, or if they say “Hey Me/I” they just kind of sounds stupid.
I want to write a book eventually… Hopefully sometime before I die, it doesn’t have to be published (It kind of would be nice though), it’s more or less just something I want to accomplish in my life. I wrote a few short stories, but they were mainly for English classes and were rushed. I have a hard time thinking of a interesting plot line, most of them end up being really stupid like a man-eating-gorilla monster on a train that eats all the passengers one by one and poops out their clothes n blah blah blah… or a Jigger ghost haunting an old house. The rest of the shit I’ve come up with I couldn’t think of a long enough plot line to write a book. I don’t know how Stephen King does it, but he’s my idol. I’ve only read one book by him that I don’t like.
I guess I’m moving on July 27th… It’s kind of a random date, but since I start college at IPR the 28th and I can’t get into the apartment that Ben and I are now leasing until Aug. 1st, I really don’t have much of an option. I’m really going to miss it here, I’m going to miss all of my friends, I’m really worried that they will just kind of forget about me or we’ll grow apart because of the distance. It’s scary to think about losing any of them, but it’s hard to keep in touch with that many people, I can’t even do it now and I haven’t even moved yet! I’m going to miss my job and all the people that I waited on and worked with, and of course my wonderful parents. I’m sure for the first few months I’ll probably call my mom nearly every day. It’s kind of scary thinking that my childhood is over, all the not having to worry about bills/rent/food/work/etc. I think it’s going to be really hard to get use to, I’m excited, but it makes me really nervous.
At least I have Ben there; I don’t know what I would do without him… I would probably be sitting in an insane asylum trying to climb the padded walls in a straight jacket. I wish I could tell him or at least show him somehow, how much he means to me. It’s insane to think that anyone could love me, let alone be around me all the time and stick with me through my ”spazz-attacks”, my sex addiction, my stupid annoying moments, and everything in between. He’s bent over backwards for me and I really wish I could repay him somehow for all the things he’s done for me, and for just loving me.
It’s crazy to think that you know what love is, and actually have no clue until you finally find someone that you do end up loving. Hell I thought I loved every single last one of my boyfriends, but when I started dating Ben it hit me like a head-on collision (not in a bad way of course) it was extremely overwhelming, and it still is. It’s crazy to think that I could love someone so much that I wouldn’t think twice about putting that person’s life before my own. I would honestly do that for Ben though, if something went wrong and he needed an organ transplant from someone else’s body to help him live, I would agree to give him mine in a heartbeat even if there was only a small chance that it would work for him and even if there was a extremely high chance that I would die because of it. He means so much to me… If only he knew.
Closure… I guess I’m done being a ventaholic today… Maybe I’ll come up with something stupid or out-there to post tomorrow. Until then I think nap time is in order.
-{JoJo}-
