The Way I Am
I’ve finally come to terms with why I hate myself so much sometime… I have all these stupid little quirks like when I’m trying to go to sleep and I think of something that’s really stupid that I need to remember to do, I have to write it down or I will not sleep until I do. Then normally by the time I get around to finally giving in and writing whatever it is down, I turn of my light to go to sleep again and I think of something else that’s just as stupid. It’s a miracle that I even get any sleep.
Another thing is that I have a tendency to say shit before I think it through, which has got me into large amounts of trouble in the past. I normally do it when I’m pissed off and I lash out at people that don’t deserve it or that didn’t even do anything wrong and I take one little tiny thing that might bother me a little about them and I blow up on them for a whole fuckin hour about that one little thing that normally wouldn’t even bother me if I wasn’t in such a shitty mood. Then I calm down and realize how much of a bitch I am and blah blah blah and then I feel mega bad and have to apologize for words that shouldn’t have even been said.
I don’t treat my friends as good as I should, and I can’t force myself to be open to any of them. It takes me years to become open with someone that I consider my friend. Except for if I’ve never met the person and I know some stuff about them, but I most likely will never meet them. It just sucks knowing that I can tell a complete stranger stuff about me that I couldn’t even tell my closest friends.
Along with those n some other major flaws I come equip with… I also have little ones like I cant drink Mountain Dew without ice I would rather sit there for hours looking at the can and thinking “damn I really want to drink that, it’s too bad I don’t have ice” and then if I really really really want it and we don’t have any ice I have to go to the nearest gas station and buy ice just so I can drink that one damn can of Mountain Dew, I cant play Resident Evil 2 without my friends being near me, I suck at taking no for an answer, I have a horrible phone phobia and tend to debate about calling someone for an hour before I actually decide to, I tend to get stuck on something if it’s what I want I have to get it and I normally become obsessed and spend large amounts of time plotting, planning, thinking, and taking action just to get what I want and half the time once I get it, I don’t want it any more.
I think whenever I get mad at someone else I’m really just taking the anger I feel for myself out on them…. poor people.
Another random thing that I must get out in the open… If I could I would eat chicken noodle soup with crackers every day and drink V8 splash. I would live on a deserted island where it’s warm all year round, but still expect to have full phone service, a teleporting device, my boyfriend, internet access, cable TV, and an underground medieval mansion. Oh and of course two cats and absolutely NO children and be able to have sex every freakin hour if I wanted without worrying about getting prego or having to pee.
Closure… Yep so I think I’ve spent enough time jabbering I have chores to do now before I have to scamper off to work… I wonder if five years from now I’ll look back on this and either think that I’ve changed so much or if I’ll still feel the same way.
-{JoJo}-
